Category Archives: Love

Issues with the Phrase “Make Love”

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I read an article today from a men’s magazine. As I was rolling through my Flipboard feed the article came up. It was a Q and A article and the questions were from readers concerning various topics of sex. The first question was from a man who wanted to watch his wife have sex with another man. There were many issues I had with this article, but polyamory was not one of them. The author responded with, “if you really want to watch her make love to another man, then” and this is where something doesn’t sit well with me. The problem is watch her make love to another man. Here’s why:

Make love is euphemism for having sex with a partner. Words have meaning. I know this is redundant, words have meaning (we know!), but words have meaning beyond their literary and linguistic values. Words and even just letters have meaning. The weight of words and letters or syllables are often used in meditations and chants; for example, Om. On top of all of this, words acquire additional meanings, grammatically called connotations, which are the extra meanings we personally and as a whole society attach to words. This is why we should think before we speak and why word choice matters. Words have a conscious and subconscious reach to which we react both instinctively and deliberately. And so, using the word love commonly or when referring to acts that do not actually involve love, strips away its meaning and worth.

The issue is that in the example of the aforementioned article the word love is being used in a situation that is devoid of love. The example is this: A man wants to watch his wife have sex with another man. He explains that he is not gay or bisexual, but really gets excited/aroused when thinking of his wife having sex with another man. That is the mainframe of the situation and this does not include those other situations where a relationship may be established with another man giving shape to a polyamorous relationship. In this case, it is purely sexual and physical. In the case of this man and his wife, the wife would not be making love to another man, rather she’d be having sex with another man. Making this distinction is important in relationships because what if she does end up making love, meaning what if she does end up feeling love for this other person? How would he feel? Would she leave him? Would she be confused?

Sex is sex. Love is love. And then there is affection. These three things can sometimes come on strong and cause confusion in relationships, whether friendships or polyamorous. We can feel so much affection for someone that it begins to look like love, and in a way it is, but something about it feels different. To confuse things even more, there are different types of love (familial, romantic, etc.) So when the word love is used to describe a sentiment that doesn’t quite rise to the weight of the actual thing that is love, the word and idea become hazy and bland. You begin to hit a plateau in your mind concerning love and what it feels like, and it loses its importance which is why so many couples complain about the lack of spark in their relationship. So, it is not that there isn’t love but that your mind has become numbed to it because of overuse and oversaturation of a lofty concept that does not match your reality.

Making this distinction between love and sex is important for your internal wellbeing as well as for the wellbeing of your partner. This distinction is important to make not only in situations of threesomes but also within yourself when you are single and when with your partner. When with your partner you may not always want to make love, sometimes may just want to f***. And that is okay (highly recommended) and it does not mean that there won’t be love, just that the love energies are not going to be raised and it will be a more carnal session. Going into a sex session with certain expectations or expecting that every single time be an emotionally overwhelming and blissful event can breed disappointment when it doesn’t actually happen, making it seem like the relationship is losing its love when in fact it is just a different shade of love. There are different ways of experiencing bliss. There is the meditative bliss, the sexual/carnal bliss, and the romantic/love bliss. See, this is the problem with trying to categorize love and sexuality; there is overlap between the different aspects and experiences. Furthermore, the three blisses can be combined during sex, but it takes meditation and a deep connection to your lover.

In order to avoid confusion in your relationships and within yourself, reserve what matters to you and maintain it clear within you. What this means is that reserve the word love for those things or persons whom you truly feel something special for. Reserve those phrases of affection for those you truly feel affection for. In today’s society, and perhaps this has always and will always be the case, we are taught to mask our true feelings in order to be professional or friendly even when on the inside the contrary is happening. That new psychological trick of smiling even though you don’t feel like it to make yourself feel better will only dampen your experience, so that when you really do smile it will feel no different than your fake smile causing an emptiness to grow within. Be true to yourself and be aware of what you feel. Be aware of the mask you wear, when you wear it, and of the essence beneath it.

 

Namaste.

 

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Photo Credit: Melissa Portan

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Love Can Be Exhausted

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“The Mysterious Girl” by Giuseppe Milo

Love is often described as something that is eternal, something that we cannot touch and exists in everything. When in love, it seems as if the warm and glorious feeling will last forever, as if it will never and cannot possibly be replicated. Often, family love is described as unconditional. None of these things are always true. Love can be exhausted, meaning love can be lost, love can calcify and become hard hatred, until it becomes emptiness.

Can you stop loving someone? Yes, of course. Can you stop loving a family member? Yes. Family love, regardless of culture, is the type of love that is deemed permanent and unconditional. Not all families are the same and not all families are as loving. Abuse, whether physical, sexual, verbal, psychological, thins down the love of a family member. What then happens is hate replaces that love.

Many that experience a negative family life grow to have hatred against family members, and when they express their sentiments they are reprimanded by friends or other family members. The conversation may go something like this, “I hate my father.” and someone responds, “No, don’t hate your father, at the end of the day, he is your father.” These types of responses cause much harm to the person who is going through difficult times, difficult emotions, and does not do anything but propagate a myth about love. Telling someone not to feel something towards an abusive family member causes the person to feel guilty, worthless, evil, harmful, wrong, and confused. Whenever encountering this type of situation, be mindful of your responses, be compassionate before anything else, and listen. Familial love is not always permanent.

What I am saying is that it is okay to feel hate against those who have hurt, or continue to hurt you, regardless of who they may be. But keep in mind that to feel hate is different from acting out of hate. To feel hate is painful. To feel angry is frustrating, almost like you are stuck, or going around in circles. Whether the relationship is romantic or familial, feeling hatred for this loved one is okay.

Hatred and love go hand in hand; they are two sides of the same coin, they are yin and yang. Ying_yang_signYou cannot have hate without love, and vice versa. Think of hatred overcoming your heart and how it feels, how it suffocates that happiness, the light, and the good out of you. Many let this hatred become a permanent part of them. Some women allow their hatred of one man become a hatred for all men and some men allow their hatred for one woman become hatred for all women. Though hatred provides feelings of power and control, those moments of focus and power are based on a faulty and dark place that will never provide what you really need and want. This is because hatred attracts hatred, it attracts negativity, it attracts difficulty. So, life will never seem bright, love will seem a fantasy, and connections will be superficial.

Life is cyclical. Everything is. Here is an example of the love to hate process:

  1. Love
  2. Hurt by significant other, friend, or family member.
  3. Feeling pain, sadness, depression, confusion, anger.
  4. Love turns to hate.
  5. Hatred for the other person, for the world, for the self.
  6. Anger. Anger towards self, towards others.
  7. Emptiness.
  8. Feeling disconnected.
  9. Finding something new.
  10. Growing a new love.

Many people make it to number 8, feeling disconnected from the world, feeling alone. Some stay at number 5 and are in a constant state of hate. It is hard moving to number 9, because it is here where you have finally let go of the pain and anger, and it is here where you have found something new. 9 is where you find something new, not necessarily a new relationship, but something that fulfills you, something that gives you happiness and self-love. Number 10 takes dedication, dedication to this new thing, new way of looking at life. Number 10 is the completion, the end of a cycle, and a new beginning.

Life is really just a constant collision of energy, from atoms against atoms, to people colliding into each other, life is a beautiful chaos. Souls mingle and twist into each other. Souls, from one life to the next, find and lose each other. Sometimes we meet each other only to teach each other, or to hurt each other, or to balance the scale of karma, or to love each other. Whether a family member who causes pain or a partner who becomes a stranger, sometimes life pushes us apart. The only thing constant is change.

 

Namaste.