Category Archives: Sex

Issues with the Phrase “Make Love”


I read an article today from a men’s magazine. As I was rolling through my Flipboard feed the article came up. It was a Q and A article and the questions were from readers concerning various topics of sex. The first question was from a man who wanted to watch his wife have sex with another man. There were many issues I had with this article, but polyamory was not one of them. The author responded with, “if you really want to watch her make love to another man, then” and this is where something doesn’t sit well with me. The problem is watch her make love to another man. Here’s why:

Make love is euphemism for having sex with a partner. Words have meaning. I know this is redundant, words have meaning (we know!), but words have meaning beyond their literary and linguistic values. Words and even just letters have meaning. The weight of words and letters or syllables are often used in meditations and chants; for example, Om. On top of all of this, words acquire additional meanings, grammatically called connotations, which are the extra meanings we personally and as a whole society attach to words. This is why we should think before we speak and why word choice matters. Words have a conscious and subconscious reach to which we react both instinctively and deliberately. And so, using the word love commonly or when referring to acts that do not actually involve love, strips away its meaning and worth.

The issue is that in the example of the aforementioned article the word love is being used in a situation that is devoid of love. The example is this: A man wants to watch his wife have sex with another man. He explains that he is not gay or bisexual, but really gets excited/aroused when thinking of his wife having sex with another man. That is the mainframe of the situation and this does not include those other situations where a relationship may be established with another man giving shape to a polyamorous relationship. In this case, it is purely sexual and physical. In the case of this man and his wife, the wife would not be making love to another man, rather she’d be having sex with another man. Making this distinction is important in relationships because what if she does end up making love, meaning what if she does end up feeling love for this other person? How would he feel? Would she leave him? Would she be confused?

Sex is sex. Love is love. And then there is affection. These three things can sometimes come on strong and cause confusion in relationships, whether friendships or polyamorous. We can feel so much affection for someone that it begins to look like love, and in a way it is, but something about it feels different. To confuse things even more, there are different types of love (familial, romantic, etc.) So when the word love is used to describe a sentiment that doesn’t quite rise to the weight of the actual thing that is love, the word and idea become hazy and bland. You begin to hit a plateau in your mind concerning love and what it feels like, and it loses its importance which is why so many couples complain about the lack of spark in their relationship. So, it is not that there isn’t love but that your mind has become numbed to it because of overuse and oversaturation of a lofty concept that does not match your reality.

Making this distinction between love and sex is important for your internal wellbeing as well as for the wellbeing of your partner. This distinction is important to make not only in situations of threesomes but also within yourself when you are single and when with your partner. When with your partner you may not always want to make love, sometimes may just want to f***. And that is okay (highly recommended) and it does not mean that there won’t be love, just that the love energies are not going to be raised and it will be a more carnal session. Going into a sex session with certain expectations or expecting that every single time be an emotionally overwhelming and blissful event can breed disappointment when it doesn’t actually happen, making it seem like the relationship is losing its love when in fact it is just a different shade of love. There are different ways of experiencing bliss. There is the meditative bliss, the sexual/carnal bliss, and the romantic/love bliss. See, this is the problem with trying to categorize love and sexuality; there is overlap between the different aspects and experiences. Furthermore, the three blisses can be combined during sex, but it takes meditation and a deep connection to your lover.

In order to avoid confusion in your relationships and within yourself, reserve what matters to you and maintain it clear within you. What this means is that reserve the word love for those things or persons whom you truly feel something special for. Reserve those phrases of affection for those you truly feel affection for. In today’s society, and perhaps this has always and will always be the case, we are taught to mask our true feelings in order to be professional or friendly even when on the inside the contrary is happening. That new psychological trick of smiling even though you don’t feel like it to make yourself feel better will only dampen your experience, so that when you really do smile it will feel no different than your fake smile causing an emptiness to grow within. Be true to yourself and be aware of what you feel. Be aware of the mask you wear, when you wear it, and of the essence beneath it.





Photo Credit: Melissa Portan


Spiritual Energy and Sex


Does spiritual energy affect your sex life? Is there a link between our spiritual energy and our sexual endeavors? If you think about the different aspects of life that make up your experience, you find that it is complicated and that in certain cases there is overlap. We are not just our bodies. We are not just our minds. And we are not just our feelings.

At the center of everything that is you lies the soul. The soul sits quietly somewhere deep within and it radiates forward to give manifestation to who you are today. And so, the physical body is born and with it the mind. The mind is linked to this physical body and primarily holds its experiences, not anything previous to birth (though it is possible to unlock your true history). And what of emotions? Emotions radiate from the soul but are affected by the mind and body. Emotions are sometimes affected by hormones, not only in women, but in men too. And so we can see that the body and what comprises our existence is complicated and certain aspects overlap. But always, things can be traced back to the source, to the soul.

The question is: What is the soul? The way that I understand it is a some form of energy that I embody, yet  exists somewhere out there in the universe. The way I see the world is that there is energy all around, both positive and negative. There are forces of destruction and creation which can be observed in nature and in humanity. So, what are the energetic forces that affect our sex lives?

stageskundPrimarily, it is the energy of the soul that controls our sex. What I mean by this is that when the soul is able to express itself fully through your body you will have great sex. The soul and the body have a connection. This connection to the soul exists throughout the whole body and in some areas of the body the energy enters and exits. These areas are known as the chakras. When the sacral and root chakras are open, sex can be great. But because life is complicated and dual, when the sacral and root chakras are the most open, the sex life becomes prominent and can be troublesome (sex addiction, perversion, etc.) So, it is important that all of the chakras be balanced and in tune with your true self. In each person the level of energy flowing through specific chakras will vary. It is not about perfection but about being in harmony with your true self.

What happens when your energy is low? When your energy is low you will feel tired. When your sacral chakra is blocked or slow, your sex drive will be low. You just won’t be so interested in sex or you will not perform as well as you used to or as you wish. What this means for men is premature ejaculation or weak erections. What this means for women is difficulty reaching orgasm or weak orgasms.

We already know that how you feel affects your sex drive. How you perceive things also affects your sex drive. Low self-esteem affects your sex/sexual energy. But what else? What if you are okay? What if you feel like yourself? What if suddenly your sex drive just suddenly dove to oblivion?

Here are a few things that can affect your sexual energy listed from most common to least common:

  1. Stress. Stress causes
  2. Negative Energy (envy, hatred, fear, etc.)
  3. Witchcraft/Spells/Curses
Stress is the most common cause for low sex drive and continually being stressed causes continual low sexual energy. It is a snowball effect, low stress and sexual energy. If you are constantly thinking about what you have to do and when you have to do it and who you need to call and when you need to pay your bills and what you have to cook and what you have waiting for you at work, then sex and sexual thoughts fade into the background. Everything else in life takes precedence, it is prioritized, and sex keeps getting postponed. This in turn causes problems in a relationship, further lowering the sexual energy flow in a couple. Constantly pushing down the sexual desires that arise causes the energetic centers to start to calcify, in other words, it becomes harder and harder to get aroused and when orgasm does happen, it is not as satisfying.
Negative Energy
Negative energy is everywhere and all around us. There are two ways negative energy can affect someone’s sexual energy. The first way negative energy can hinder sexual energy in a person is when it is within the person or when it comes from within, meaning when someone has negative thoughts or feelings towards himself or herself. Being afraid of whatever does not allow the sacral energy to flow. Being angry or hateful may cause very low sexual energy in some while in other it may cause violent sexual energy. Thinking poorly of your body, not being satisfied with your body, causes not only your sexual energy centers to diminish, but also other energetic centers/chakras. And so, it becomes harder to feel good enough or sexy enough to even bother with sex.
The second way negative energy affects sexual energy is when it received from external sources. The idea and belief of the evil eye is ancient and can be applied to all aspects of life including sexual energy. Jealousy/envy and hatred from those around you can cloud your own energy. Negative feelings from a partner can also cause your sex drive to fall, because there is an exchange of energy during sex. This can happen intentionally where it then becomes malicious akin to dark sex magic or dark witchcraft, but it can also happen unconsciously. When someone does not have a spiritual practice and does not regularly cleanse his or her aura and chakras, negative energy accumulates and the effects are felt in those aspects of life that are most vulnerable in that person.
Not all witchcraft is bad and it is mistakenly used a blanket term. What I am talking about here is dark magic, magic that uses negative energy and entities to achieve results. It is the thing of demons, ghosts, and curses. People do resort to the dark arts to cause harm to others, whether jilted lovers, jealous husbands or wives, or just bad people. It is rare but maybe not as rare as it may seem.
How do you know if you are a victim of this type of magic? Negative or dark magic with the purpose to lower someone’s sexual energy is always accompanied by other things. Usually, to lower someone’s sexual energy is not enough and more negative energy is cast so that the victim may fight with his or her partner, or so that he or she may return. And it will seem unnatural, actions will seem out-of-place, and you might even say or feel things you don’t exactly know where they are coming from. Demons are often involved in causing these strange and harmful events.
Regardless of which scenario applies to you, the thing to keep in mind is that there are solutions. The energy of the soul will always find a way to liberate itself and be itself.
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