Category Archives: Gay

Issues with the Phrase “Make Love”

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I read an article today from a men’s magazine. As I was rolling through my Flipboard feed the article came up. It was a Q and A article and the questions were from readers concerning various topics of sex. The first question was from a man who wanted to watch his wife have sex with another man. There were many issues I had with this article, but polyamory was not one of them. The author responded with, “if you really want to watch her make love to another man, then” and this is where something doesn’t sit well with me. The problem is watch her make love to another man. Here’s why:

Make love is euphemism for having sex with a partner. Words have meaning. I know this is redundant, words have meaning (we know!), but words have meaning beyond their literary and linguistic values. Words and even just letters have meaning. The weight of words and letters or syllables are often used in meditations and chants; for example, Om. On top of all of this, words acquire additional meanings, grammatically called connotations, which are the extra meanings we personally and as a whole society attach to words. This is why we should think before we speak and why word choice matters. Words have a conscious and subconscious reach to which we react both instinctively and deliberately. And so, using the word love commonly or when referring to acts that do not actually involve love, strips away its meaning and worth.

The issue is that in the example of the aforementioned article the word love is being used in a situation that is devoid of love. The example is this: A man wants to watch his wife have sex with another man. He explains that he is not gay or bisexual, but really gets excited/aroused when thinking of his wife having sex with another man. That is the mainframe of the situation and this does not include those other situations where a relationship may be established with another man giving shape to a polyamorous relationship. In this case, it is purely sexual and physical. In the case of this man and his wife, the wife would not be making love to another man, rather she’d be having sex with another man. Making this distinction is important in relationships because what if she does end up making love, meaning what if she does end up feeling love for this other person? How would he feel? Would she leave him? Would she be confused?

Sex is sex. Love is love. And then there is affection. These three things can sometimes come on strong and cause confusion in relationships, whether friendships or polyamorous. We can feel so much affection for someone that it begins to look like love, and in a way it is, but something about it feels different. To confuse things even more, there are different types of love (familial, romantic, etc.) So when the word love is used to describe a sentiment that doesn’t quite rise to the weight of the actual thing that is love, the word and idea become hazy and bland. You begin to hit a plateau in your mind concerning love and what it feels like, and it loses its importance which is why so many couples complain about the lack of spark in their relationship. So, it is not that there isn’t love but that your mind has become numbed to it because of overuse and oversaturation of a lofty concept that does not match your reality.

Making this distinction between love and sex is important for your internal wellbeing as well as for the wellbeing of your partner. This distinction is important to make not only in situations of threesomes but also within yourself when you are single and when with your partner. When with your partner you may not always want to make love, sometimes may just want to f***. And that is okay (highly recommended) and it does not mean that there won’t be love, just that the love energies are not going to be raised and it will be a more carnal session. Going into a sex session with certain expectations or expecting that every single time be an emotionally overwhelming and blissful event can breed disappointment when it doesn’t actually happen, making it seem like the relationship is losing its love when in fact it is just a different shade of love. There are different ways of experiencing bliss. There is the meditative bliss, the sexual/carnal bliss, and the romantic/love bliss. See, this is the problem with trying to categorize love and sexuality; there is overlap between the different aspects and experiences. Furthermore, the three blisses can be combined during sex, but it takes meditation and a deep connection to your lover.

In order to avoid confusion in your relationships and within yourself, reserve what matters to you and maintain it clear within you. What this means is that reserve the word love for those things or persons whom you truly feel something special for. Reserve those phrases of affection for those you truly feel affection for. In today’s society, and perhaps this has always and will always be the case, we are taught to mask our true feelings in order to be professional or friendly even when on the inside the contrary is happening. That new psychological trick of smiling even though you don’t feel like it to make yourself feel better will only dampen your experience, so that when you really do smile it will feel no different than your fake smile causing an emptiness to grow within. Be true to yourself and be aware of what you feel. Be aware of the mask you wear, when you wear it, and of the essence beneath it.

 

Namaste.

 

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Photo Credit: Melissa Portan

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Warning! Hot Post: Connecting to Your Partner

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Although everything is connected it does not always seem or feel so. When it comes to love, it is a journey, rather it is a rollercoaster with exhilarating highs and suffocating lows. So when it feels like love is waning, when it feels like the sparks are not as intense as they once were, there are a few things you can do. If you both practice the same spiritual form, then you can meditate together. However, the most honest and unfiltered communication between a couple often happens in the bedroom.

It is in the most intimate moments when looking into your partner’s eyes that you can feel that intangible connection. Here is one way you can reconnect with your partner during a sexual union. Doing this will connect you on a physical level but also on a more profound level. It begins with being aware of each other’s existence. Weird, I know. How can I not be aware of her or him? He is obviously here. What I mean is that you both realize that you are more than a physical body, that you do not know exactly what else there is and that is okay, even exciting. Decide that you want to explore the unknown together, that you want to get to know each other’s true being or each other’s essence. Little by little changes will happen in the relationship.

When the passions begin to rise, your hands will be the first to move. You will want to touch each other, to reach out to each other. And this is both in a physical and spiritual sense.

Connect to your partner’s inner sexuality with your hands by using them to please him or her. Your hands are very sensitive and full of energy. Your hands are constantly flowing with the warm energy of your heart. There are direct energy lines that carry what you have in your heart to your very fingertips. Find the love and passion, the compassion and admiration you feel for you partner, and let it radiate from your heart outwards. You don’t even have to try so hard. Connecting with your partner is more instinctual than planning it out.  A strong desire with unknown origins is enough to set off an expedition into the wondrous throes of pleasure and it can yield much knowledge. Use your arousal, your mind and fantasies, to your advantage before sex to explore different aspects of your partner. Once you find your partner in the other room, you’ll be charged with sexual energy and ready to experience more profound sex.

Using your hands, work your way around and about your partner’s body gently, following the organic flow of your desire and of his or her hints. Move slowly, very slowly to the intimate areas. If you go directly to the breasts or vagina, she will feel neglected and her arousal won’t match your own. If you go directly to his penis he may feel the same and his sexual energy may be released before either of you wish. Using your touch focuses your eyes and mind, it brings awareness to your partner’s body. In this way, you can appreciate each other more, notice things that you hadn’t noticed before. These details are what build up over time to cause that feeling of deep connectedness with another. You don’t have to have grand transformational visions or epiphanies, feeling each other is enough.

There are different intensities of touch, brush you hands across his chest, touch only your fingertips on her neck, pinch to give him or her a little surprise. Just feel the motions of your partner’s body and feel how he or she expresses himself or herself. Changing how you touch and the pace at which you touch causes different sensations. Breathing quickens or slows depending on how hard you squeeze her. She feels more comforted and safe if your touch is gentle. He might get even more aroused if your hold is firmer. Likewise, a soft, lingering brush of your fingertips on his shoulders can comfort him, thus prolonging the union.

Once orgasm is reached, calm the energies and complete the unification by placing your hand over the mons pubis. This will cam her energy. This is also a way of keeping the energy within and of transferring love to your partner. Whatever flow you both fall into, your hands are the direct and most engaging way of beginning a profound union.

 

Namaste.

Sex Toys: Fear

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Sex toys for women are abundant. There are shops where women and couples can go and buy sex toys. Online, there are many websites that have vast collections of sex toys for different genders, sexual orientation, and so on. But there is a vague fear of sex toys, both in men and women. If you do a quick internet search on whether vibrators are healthy or not, the top results are religious and condemn the use of vibrators, while others, for other reasons, also do not encourage vibrator use. (And most results are talking only about women, not men.) However, what do the doctors say? Many doctors encourage the use of vibrators for various reasons; such as, inability to orgasm, hormonal changes (menopause), boring sex life, etcetera. The types of doctors that recommend vibrators or any other type of sex toy vary; some are gynecologists, general physicians, and others can be psychologists. Dr. Oz, an American doctor with a television show, has a blog where he and other doctors write articles on various subjects. Here is a brief article discussing vibrators and why they might be recommended by a doctor.

Again, very rare mention of men and how they can benefit from using a vibrator or any other sex toy. For now, let’s focus on women and why many are discouraged from using a sex toy.

As with everything, moderation is the best way to lead a healthy life. But truth be told, if something feels good we are bound to do it again and again and again. This is one reason why sex toy usage can be discouraged or harshly judged. The fear is that it could cause a rift in the relationship because she might get dependent on the vibrator. There is a fear that if a woman uses sex toys she will shun all men, that no man will ever really satisfy her, and that she has no need for a man. These are fears and lies. Whether it is a woman or a man using sex toys, whether gay or heterosexual, human contact is irreplaceable and so there will forever be a need and want for another.

The second fear is physical dependence, meaning that the person can no longer achieve orgasm without the sex toy. This does happen sometimes, but it is like when a woman can’t reach orgasm unless her nipples are being stimulated. Or let’s say it is similar to a man who cannot orgasm without his socks on. These are mental habits that can be broken or reinforced. The result is physical difficulty reaching orgasm any other way. Another concern that has been raised is the risk of physical harm to the genitalia. Claims have been made that strong vibrators used often on the clitoris damage the nerve endings. Then, there are claims that refute those other claims. So, what do we do? Well, we react with fear first, then we close off the possibility of new sexual and healthy experiences, and then we sit in judgment of others. It is all ineffective and unhealthy. As long as you aren’t doing intensely wild things in bed with your average sex toys, the risk of harming yourself are said to be minimal.

Both men and women often fear the judgment of friends or anyone else when considering using sex toys. One thing they fear is the judgments made about their sexuality. Oh, you’re such a pervert! You must be a lesbian. Using a vibrator makes you gay. Can’t get a man? Can’t get one to sleep with you? And so on. Really, the reasons one has for buying a sex toy is no one else’s business. Whether it is to explore your sexuality or to enhance your sexual experience, any judgments made are a reflection of the person making them. Sex toys have been around for ages, since ancient times. Without this kinkiness the world would be a whole lot emptier. Wanting to experience something different is good. Wanting explore and understand your sexuality is healthy. Whatever someone says or thinks about your sexuality is irrelevant to who you really are.

Namaste.