Category Archives: Homosexuality

Issues with the Phrase “Make Love”

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I read an article today from a men’s magazine. As I was rolling through my Flipboard feed the article came up. It was a Q and A article and the questions were from readers concerning various topics of sex. The first question was from a man who wanted to watch his wife have sex with another man. There were many issues I had with this article, but polyamory was not one of them. The author responded with, “if you really want to watch her make love to another man, then” and this is where something doesn’t sit well with me. The problem is watch her make love to another man. Here’s why:

Make love is euphemism for having sex with a partner. Words have meaning. I know this is redundant, words have meaning (we know!), but words have meaning beyond their literary and linguistic values. Words and even just letters have meaning. The weight of words and letters or syllables are often used in meditations and chants; for example, Om. On top of all of this, words acquire additional meanings, grammatically called connotations, which are the extra meanings we personally and as a whole society attach to words. This is why we should think before we speak and why word choice matters. Words have a conscious and subconscious reach to which we react both instinctively and deliberately. And so, using the word love commonly or when referring to acts that do not actually involve love, strips away its meaning and worth.

The issue is that in the example of the aforementioned article the word love is being used in a situation that is devoid of love. The example is this: A man wants to watch his wife have sex with another man. He explains that he is not gay or bisexual, but really gets excited/aroused when thinking of his wife having sex with another man. That is the mainframe of the situation and this does not include those other situations where a relationship may be established with another man giving shape to a polyamorous relationship. In this case, it is purely sexual and physical. In the case of this man and his wife, the wife would not be making love to another man, rather she’d be having sex with another man. Making this distinction is important in relationships because what if she does end up making love, meaning what if she does end up feeling love for this other person? How would he feel? Would she leave him? Would she be confused?

Sex is sex. Love is love. And then there is affection. These three things can sometimes come on strong and cause confusion in relationships, whether friendships or polyamorous. We can feel so much affection for someone that it begins to look like love, and in a way it is, but something about it feels different. To confuse things even more, there are different types of love (familial, romantic, etc.) So when the word love is used to describe a sentiment that doesn’t quite rise to the weight of the actual thing that is love, the word and idea become hazy and bland. You begin to hit a plateau in your mind concerning love and what it feels like, and it loses its importance which is why so many couples complain about the lack of spark in their relationship. So, it is not that there isn’t love but that your mind has become numbed to it because of overuse and oversaturation of a lofty concept that does not match your reality.

Making this distinction between love and sex is important for your internal wellbeing as well as for the wellbeing of your partner. This distinction is important to make not only in situations of threesomes but also within yourself when you are single and when with your partner. When with your partner you may not always want to make love, sometimes may just want to f***. And that is okay (highly recommended) and it does not mean that there won’t be love, just that the love energies are not going to be raised and it will be a more carnal session. Going into a sex session with certain expectations or expecting that every single time be an emotionally overwhelming and blissful event can breed disappointment when it doesn’t actually happen, making it seem like the relationship is losing its love when in fact it is just a different shade of love. There are different ways of experiencing bliss. There is the meditative bliss, the sexual/carnal bliss, and the romantic/love bliss. See, this is the problem with trying to categorize love and sexuality; there is overlap between the different aspects and experiences. Furthermore, the three blisses can be combined during sex, but it takes meditation and a deep connection to your lover.

In order to avoid confusion in your relationships and within yourself, reserve what matters to you and maintain it clear within you. What this means is that reserve the word love for those things or persons whom you truly feel something special for. Reserve those phrases of affection for those you truly feel affection for. In today’s society, and perhaps this has always and will always be the case, we are taught to mask our true feelings in order to be professional or friendly even when on the inside the contrary is happening. That new psychological trick of smiling even though you don’t feel like it to make yourself feel better will only dampen your experience, so that when you really do smile it will feel no different than your fake smile causing an emptiness to grow within. Be true to yourself and be aware of what you feel. Be aware of the mask you wear, when you wear it, and of the essence beneath it.

 

Namaste.

 

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Photo Credit: Melissa Portan

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Sex Toys: Fear

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Sex toys for women are abundant. There are shops where women and couples can go and buy sex toys. Online, there are many websites that have vast collections of sex toys for different genders, sexual orientation, and so on. But there is a vague fear of sex toys, both in men and women. If you do a quick internet search on whether vibrators are healthy or not, the top results are religious and condemn the use of vibrators, while others, for other reasons, also do not encourage vibrator use. (And most results are talking only about women, not men.) However, what do the doctors say? Many doctors encourage the use of vibrators for various reasons; such as, inability to orgasm, hormonal changes (menopause), boring sex life, etcetera. The types of doctors that recommend vibrators or any other type of sex toy vary; some are gynecologists, general physicians, and others can be psychologists. Dr. Oz, an American doctor with a television show, has a blog where he and other doctors write articles on various subjects. Here is a brief article discussing vibrators and why they might be recommended by a doctor.

Again, very rare mention of men and how they can benefit from using a vibrator or any other sex toy. For now, let’s focus on women and why many are discouraged from using a sex toy.

As with everything, moderation is the best way to lead a healthy life. But truth be told, if something feels good we are bound to do it again and again and again. This is one reason why sex toy usage can be discouraged or harshly judged. The fear is that it could cause a rift in the relationship because she might get dependent on the vibrator. There is a fear that if a woman uses sex toys she will shun all men, that no man will ever really satisfy her, and that she has no need for a man. These are fears and lies. Whether it is a woman or a man using sex toys, whether gay or heterosexual, human contact is irreplaceable and so there will forever be a need and want for another.

The second fear is physical dependence, meaning that the person can no longer achieve orgasm without the sex toy. This does happen sometimes, but it is like when a woman can’t reach orgasm unless her nipples are being stimulated. Or let’s say it is similar to a man who cannot orgasm without his socks on. These are mental habits that can be broken or reinforced. The result is physical difficulty reaching orgasm any other way. Another concern that has been raised is the risk of physical harm to the genitalia. Claims have been made that strong vibrators used often on the clitoris damage the nerve endings. Then, there are claims that refute those other claims. So, what do we do? Well, we react with fear first, then we close off the possibility of new sexual and healthy experiences, and then we sit in judgment of others. It is all ineffective and unhealthy. As long as you aren’t doing intensely wild things in bed with your average sex toys, the risk of harming yourself are said to be minimal.

Both men and women often fear the judgment of friends or anyone else when considering using sex toys. One thing they fear is the judgments made about their sexuality. Oh, you’re such a pervert! You must be a lesbian. Using a vibrator makes you gay. Can’t get a man? Can’t get one to sleep with you? And so on. Really, the reasons one has for buying a sex toy is no one else’s business. Whether it is to explore your sexuality or to enhance your sexual experience, any judgments made are a reflection of the person making them. Sex toys have been around for ages, since ancient times. Without this kinkiness the world would be a whole lot emptier. Wanting to experience something different is good. Wanting explore and understand your sexuality is healthy. Whatever someone says or thinks about your sexuality is irrelevant to who you really are.

Namaste.

How to Attract Your Soul Mate

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“He visto un ángel” by Andrés Nieto Porras

There are many ways to attract a soul mate. There are books that contain psychological methods and practical methods; like changing your hair, or wardrobe, or even how you move and speak. There are also books that contain spells and magical techniques to attract that soul mate. But both of these methods are ineffective; their results are short lived and unfulfilling.

For example, let’s say that you decide to change how you look. It doesn’t matter if you are a man or a woman, gay or heterosexual, let’s say you buy a whole new wardrobe and you begin to use psychological techniques to flirt and so on. And so, you start to get results. You start a relationship with someone and everything is going great. You are liking the new you and so does this person. But then, you get to know each other more, you start to learn more about each other, and suddenly the fire and excitement that was there starts to wane. Suddenly, love is not there and then you think this is not your soul mate. Disappointment, sadness, and frustration ensues. Why did this happen? Well, because you were trying to be someone you really are not. When relationships begin or are based on falsities, it is bound to fail. But because a relationship failed it does not mean that we can’t learn something from it.

The second example is very popular in certain cultures: using magic to attract love. So, let’s say that you find a great spell to use on someone you really really like. You start doing the magical work and little by little this person starts to reciprocate your affections. A relationship starts and you are happy. But then, things in the relationship start to go downwards. You begin to fight and maybe there is even infidelity. You turn back to magic. This method is ineffective, harmful, deceptive, and negative. This type of love and happiness is not real. This type of love is an illusion, it does not even count as love because it is forced. You have to keep using magic and keeping the person under your spell to maintain this false love. Now, there are instances where magic can be used to aid you in finding love, but there won’t be any methods in this blog that are aimed to make someone love you.

So how do you attract your soul mate? I think it is a mixture of the aforementioned methods, but the right elements. It is not about changing who you are, but about uncovering who you are. And it is not about controlling love or making someone love you, but about letting love find you. Before you start trying to attract a soul mate, you need to be aware of a few things. Number 1 is that there are many different types of soul mates and that there are good soul mates and bad soul mates, or light soul mates and dark soul mates. (We’ll go into details on the light and dark soul mates in another post. Search the blog category soul mates, for more.) Number 2 is that you are number 1, meaning that you come first.

In order to bring into your life that special person, you need to put yourself first. It sounds a bit counterintuitive and selfish, but if you are a disheveled mess you will attract a disheveled mess; and be honest, is that what you want? There are different aspects to yourself. You are a physical being existing in this physical and solid world. You are someone who thinks, dreams, and hopes, meaning that you have mental and psychological faculties; it means that you have emotions. You have a soul. All of these different aspects of yourself require attention. (Read how love moves through these parts of yourself here.)

You’ll find that most of the advice offered on the topic encourages and insists that you be positive about finding a soul mate. Phrases like “Love yourself” are common and repeated ad nauseam. The truth is that sometimes we don’t love ourselves. Sometimes we hate who we are and how we look. The truth is that with everything going on in the world and with all the difficulties we may be dealing with in our day-to-day lives, it can get hard to maintain positivity. Sometimes in reading books that contain this type of advice one might get discouraged because it all seems so out of reach, because it seems like this type of love only exists in romance novels and lands of rainbows and unicorns. But you don’t need to be perfect or completely happy and fulfilled to find that meaningful soul mate. The last thing you need to be aware of, number 3, is your expectations. Being aware of your expectations, in turn being aware of what you want, allows you to find love in this present reality, allowing this love to last for a very long time once it is found. It means that maybe he won’t have that six-pack and that maybe her smile will not be perfect. But it also means that the right person will reach you and that you will be able to have a meaningful and loving relationship.

The most important thing is number 1 (technically number 2, but really it is you) and that means putting your life and yourself first. This does not mean that you start pushing people out of your way and running them over with your car. No, this means that you put your energy and focus into what you love to do. It means putting your life in order, organizing your responsibilities however you see fit and however you want to do so. Taking care of yourself also means letting go. You have to let go of the negative things in your life. Sometimes getting rid of certain negativity is not easy or possible. Simply analyzing and understanding why these things are in your life is enough and won’t keep you from your soul mate. Once you begin to fulfill yourself you will begin to see changes in your life. If you can put yourself first and no feel guilty or not over do it, the next step is to adjust your expectations.

The most common and dangerous expectation that people have when looking for their soul mate is that he or she will make him or her happy; that once that special person is found everything will be better and good. This way of looking at things is unrealistic and dooms everything. The truth is that just because you found your soul mate it does not mean that everything will be an eternal sunshine. Soul mates face challenges like all other relationships. Another person cannot fix what you have inside, not unless you fix it yourself. At most, your partner can point out the dark spots within you. And that is both good and helpful.

In order to find love sometimes all that is required is for the heart to wish for it. That is where it all begins, in the heart.

 

Namaste, friends.

 

 

Photo Credit: Melissa Portan

Photo Credit: Melissa Portan