Tag Archives: premature ejaculation

Sex Toys and Premature Ejaculation

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There are various methods to improving the strength of an erection. One method is called The Squeeze Method. The more research I do on this topic and possible solutions, the more it sounds like the penis has its own gym. In essence, you are working out a muscle of the body. The squeeze method is the only method that does not use any extra tools; it’s just you. But maybe said method is not really working as well as you wish it were. Here is another possibility: using sex toys to help strengthen your erection.

Sex toys and men just don’t mesh well together. At least, that is how it is in the  everyday and common perspective. Fears of having their sexuality judged tends to push men away from using sex toys. A heterosexual man might fear being judged as gay for using a sex toy. Or, he might fear that he is gay for wanting to use one. These are just mental barriers that can be overcome through honest exploration. Another problem men might encounter with vibrators is the girlfriend and her preference for one. Remember that when it comes to premature ejaculation the mind has a very heavy hand. So, if during sex, you are preoccupied with how often your girlfriend, wife, or partner, uses her vibrator, then your erection will weaken. Your sexual energy will lower and the sex won’t feel that great. The truth is, your girlfriend’s vibrator may help you put it to shame. (Of course, get your own!)

What do sex toys have to do with premature ejaculation? How will it strengthen your erection? Using a vibrator will open your mind, it will shatter what you know about your erection, your ejaculation, your orgasm, and even your sexuality. How? Here are a few interesting facts: it is possible to have an erection and not ejaculate or have an orgasm, to have an orgasm without being erect or ejaculating, and to ejaculate without an erection or orgasm (1. Dr. Andrew Stanway). A vibrator can help you experience the aforementioned. How will it strengthen your erection? Well, hopefully it will change your understanding of premature ejaculation and will broaden your sexual range. With understanding and broader knowledge or experience, confidence grows, causing sexual energy to rise, therefore strengthening your erection. It is a domino effect.

The following method focuses on the male clitoris.

How To:

Where would a man use a vibrator? For a man, the most intense stimulation with a vibrator will be on their clitoris and g-spot (1). But usage of a vibrator should not be limited to the genitals and it can be used to arouse or experiment. Some men use it on the perineum, the anus, or on the scrotum.

Then there is the question of what kind of vibrator to get. Start simple. There are the solid ones that look like a really long bullet. Then there are the ones that are straight, solid, with a curved tip; these are for g-spot stimulation. In order for a man to stimulate his g-spot he needs to do so through the anus. If you are not comfortable with doing so then get the simple, solid, vibrator.

Steps:

  1. Get comfortable and naked. Lie down. Lubricate your penis, focusing on the head because that is where the clitoris is. Don’t worry about getting an erection, meaning don’t stroke.
  2. Lay your penis flat on your lower belly. Turn the vibrator on to the lowest setting. Apply the vibrator to the area right beneath the head, where the head connects to the shaft, and press down firmly. Use a tapping motion, or a downwards rubbing motion.
  3.   You may ejaculate without manual stimulation, or with a partial erection, or without an erection (1. adapted steps).
  4. (Extra) Depending on what you do and how long you choose to prolong your session, you can turn the vibrator to higher settings. Lessen the pressure every now and then, raise the vibration strength and then suddenly lower it, pause for 30 seconds and then start again. The first time you do this, just do the simple steps, 1-3.

Hopefully, you have a very intimate and pleasurable experience that shatters your understanding of your body. If not that, then that it at least was fun and interesting.

Namaste.

1. For this post I used Dr. Andrew Stanway’s book Massage Secrets for Lovers: The Ultimate Guide to Intimate Arousal. I love this book and use it often when writing for this blog. It has a wealth of knowledge.

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The Male Nipple Orgasm

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A quick internet search concerning the topic of the male nipple or breast orgasm is futile and returns nothing but pornography. There are a couple of reasons why the male nipple orgasm is not common. I will refer to this type of orgasm as the male nipple orgasm because men don’t have breasts like women do and calling it the male breast orgasm just makes it sound a bit odd, even if it is more technically accurate. Like the female breast orgasm, the male breast orgasm originates from the nipples, but before we discuss the specifics of this obscure orgasm, let’s first talk about why it is so obscure.

I am not a doctor or a scientist of any sort and so I cannot say how similar or dissimilar female and male nipples are; however, these are both erogenous zones and highly sensitive. Each person has different things that turn him or her on and different levels of sensitivity in these erogenous zones. So, why are a man’s nipples so neglected? There is a lot, I mean a lot, of information on the penis and less information on the rest of the body when it comes to sexuality.

Reason number 1 why there is so little mention of the male nipple orgasm is because of the excessive focus on the penis. Entertainment, whether adult or otherwise, is focused on the penis, on the bulge in the pants.  Books for women that are meant to teach them how to please their male partner have more information on how to handle the penis than how to connect with their partner. I am not sure, as a woman, but men have feelings and desires too, right? It is not so much about expressing those feelings and desires but more about being aware and in tune with them. Being comfortable with having your nipples stimulated is a major step to having a more fulfilling sexual life. The excessive focus on the penis and having it be the end all of sexual pleasure closes off other possibilities for pleasure.

The penis is the masculine symbol, the symbol of strength, and nipples are generally related to women. Meaning that a woman can’t show her nipples but it is no problem if a man walks around in public without a shirt. The breasts, chest area, and nipples are areas related to femininity and that causes a mental barrier in men. A man might not be comfortable having his nipples excessively stimulated because he may fear being accused of homosexuality, being too feminine, and ejaculating prematurely. Premature ejaculation is the second reason why the male nipple orgasm is not so common.

tumblr_n1tatbV2WF1qzlro6o1_500It is thought that the male orgasm is just reached through penetration. Men are capable of having multiple orgasms. Again, how it feels and how similar it is to multiple female orgasms is not for me to say. But if a man is getting very aroused by having his nipples stimulated and he feels he is nearing his orgasm, which for most means that he feels he will ejaculate, he will pull away from the sensations, keeping himself from having a nipple orgasm. Fear of ejaculating prematurely like this, which does not really count as premature ejaculation, will keep a man from enjoying his sexuality and having this type of orgasm. Fear of not being able to regain his erection will definitely keep a man away from having this experience.

Now, how do you achieve this nipple orgasm? The body and mind connection is important. Knowing what you want is the first step. If you know that you want to have this type of orgasm, a nipple orgasm, then there is a possibility that you can have this type of orgasm. Why? Because your mind won’t shut off or you won’t rush to stimulate another part of your body to reach a stronger and more familiar orgasm. In a woman, the breast orgasm feels slightly different from any other orgasm. The same can be said about men. The male nipple orgasm will feel slightly different from a penile orgasm. Being aware of your sexual desires will open you up to deeper sexual awareness. Having a more profound sexual understanding of your own body and of your sexuality does not make you more feminine or gay: it brings confidence and allure to your being, whether you are gay or heterosexual.

After being aware of your desire to have a nipple orgasm you need to be able to let go of the orgasm. This means that you have to let go of the fear of ejaculating prematurely, let go of your fear of not being able to regain your erection, and of what your partner thinks. If you are with your partner, he or she needs to be on the same page. He or she can help you reach the nipple orgasm by stimulating you. If you are going to have a nipple orgasm it most likely means that you will ejaculate when you do so. Unless you have learned how to have multiple orgasms without ejaculating, then you will ejaculate when you reach the nipple orgasm. Your partner needs to know and want this.

At first, reaching this type of orgasm will probably not be so easy. If you’ve never experienced it, then it probably won’t happen the first time you try. What you can experience the first time is a more intense erection. That would be because of the pent up sexual energy and desire. You might also experience more intense ejaculation.

How to stimulate the nipples. Everyone likes different things, but orgasm is about reaching it, working up to it. Try starting around the neck, behind the ears, the shoulders. Work from the distance to the nipples. Avoid stimulating the penis and focus on the sensations in the chest and nipple area. This way, the sensations become intensified and the closer you get to reaching orgasm. The more you touch your nipples, the more your partner stimulates them, the more sensitive they become. Like in the female breast orgasm, near constant stimulation will provide the best results. The most important thing to do is to let go of the orgasm and let it happen.

Do it to your partner. If you’ve noticed your partner’s sensitivity and propensity to having a nipple orgasm, then use that to your advantage. If you have long hair, use it in the early stages of stimulation to awaken the nipples. Then use your hair again when the arousal is getting frenzied. Use your mouth and tongue, but not only on his nipples. If you are a woman, use your breasts to tease him. Regardless if you are a man or a woman, rub your nipples on his. Think of this as being two live wires rubbing together and causing sparks, very pleasurable sparks.

Letting yourself enjoy your body fully is how you connect with yourself more profoundly. Hopefully, scientists will also start putting men in MRI machines (like they do to women) and telling them to stimulate themselves so that we can all have a more rounded understanding of human sexuality. The human body is complex, beautiful, sexy, and we are not done exploring it.

 

Namaste.

 

 

 

 

Photo Credit: Melissa Portan

Photo Credit: Melissa Portan

 

Premature Ejaculation: What to NOT do or say during Sex

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So it happened and suddenly things are awkward and embarrassing. That is the first thing that should not be done. Do not be embarrassed. Premature ejaculation happens and it is a natural thing, not every day will your sexual energy be high and some days you will be too tired. But embarrassment and all the negative thoughts and emotions is what stops the sex session and makes it more difficult to regain an erection. The first thing you want to do concerning sex, your sex organ, and your partner is change your perspective. This may sound naïve or overly optimistic especially if premature ejaculation has become a persistent issue, but take a moment and think. You are not just your body but you are also your mind. I think therefore I am is what Rene Descartes says. Your thoughts affect your body and your willingness, your self-esteem, all affect the strength of your erection. If you are embarrassed of your erection and think that it is weak and that you keep failing, how easy will it be to get another erection? Not so easy. It is having respect and love for your own body that will allow you to work towards your goal of strengthening your erection, prolonging your sexual unions, and whatever else you want to achieve. (For more on perspective, exercises, search the category: premature ejaculation.)

Embarrassment is not something that can easily be controlled. Once you’re embarrassed that’s it, you blush, you stutter, you start to sweat, and so on. So changing your perception about your sex does not necessarily happen during sex or while losing your erection but before and outside the bedroom, separately from your partner. And it is okay to be embarrassed, what matters is how you handle the situation.

The DONT’S and the Do’s:

1. Don’t apologize. Avoid saying sorry and going on about how it usually doesn’t happen and how you don’t know what is going on. We are going to assume that you were having sex, penetrating your partner, everything was going well, and suddenly you just ejaculated without warning. In this situation, your partner is still aroused and has not reached his or her climax. The reason you do not or should not apologize to your partner when you ejaculate prematurely is because when you do you have already given up and the sex session comes to a close. When you say “I’m sorry” your partner may hear, especially women, “I’m sorry I couldn’t satisfy you and I am sorry because I won’t be getting another erection anytime soon so we are done here.” Although your apology may be heartfelt and honest it causes a sense of finality in your partner and it comes across as defeat, like you have given up.

Another reason you do not want to apologize is because it puts your partner in a difficult situation that can cause him or her embarrassment. If both of you are feeling odd and embarrassed the sexual energy completely disappears and arousal drops quickly, immediately ending the sex session. For women, it is not easy seeing her partner feel so embarrassed or upset about himself. The instinct in a woman is to comfort her partner and often men find this off putting or insulting to their masculinity and apologizing brings out that instinct even more.

Instead, if you find yourself apologizing, try to keep the mood going. For example, “I’m sorry I couldn’t control myself ’cause your so hot/sexy.” This may cause your partner to giggle, blush, and maybe both of you will laugh. A little laughter during sex is great, it eases the tension is causes even more bonding between you and your partner. You may not be comfortable with that exact line, but the point is, if you are going to apologize, express your appreciation and admiration for your partner. Keep it sexy. Often, women mistake a man’s premature ejaculation as a sign of cheating. Often, women can be right where a man is actually not thinking about her. Whatever your situation is, I encourage you not to lie to your partner and not to express anything that you do not actually feel. Sometimes the body expresses the secrets of the mind and if your mind is not on the person you are with, neither will your body.

2. See this as an opportunity. Women are capable of multiple orgasms. Although you no longer have an erection it is still possible to please your partner. Women do not only reach orgasm by penetration and her clitoris is a very sensitive spot that can open her up to multiple orgasms and bring you new insights to her body. Take the moment where you lose your erection not as the end of your sex session but as an opportunity to explore her body, to try something new, to get to know her better sexually. You can incorporate massage, which is erotic massage, you can please her orally, you can please her with you hands, and you can use sex toys. The younger and healthier you are, the sooner you will be able to get a new erection. In the meantime, keep her arousal going and you will find your own rising.

If your partner is a man, it is the same thing. You can still please your partner. Men are also capable of multiple orgasms and you are not limited to your penis to please him. You can use sex toys to change things, erotic massage, oral sex, and masturbation.

Refer to these posts for more on the female orgasm and the male orgasm.

3. Do not think masturbation as invalid or not real sex. Masturbation is essential when dealing with premature ejaculation. Through masturbation you learn the signs of your climax and you learn how to control your erection. But mutual masturbation is sex, it is a form of sexual union. You can either masturbate your partner until she or he reaches orgasm or until you get another erection. Again, view this as an opportunity. This is your chance to see your partner please himself or herself. The sight of seeing her touch her own breasts and play with her own clitoris will be deeply arousing. Also, you will be able to observe how she pleases herself and this will improve your ability to please her. As you gain and improve your sexual skills, you will gain confidence and premature ejaculation will not seem like such a huge and debilitating problem.

Masturbating your partner gives him or her your entire focus and energy. To have your partner give you his or her entire attention selflessly intensifies pleasure and deepens the connection between both. When masturbating your partner you get to take in the view, to experience his or her orgasm and witness its power. You might find that it is mesmerizing and that you discover something new about your partner.

Those are the three Don’ts I have for you today and I am sure there are more. These three guidelines are more about experiencing sex with your partner and opening yourself up to your partner. It is about getting out of your head where there is all that negativity and experiencing, evolving, and learning more. Have a conversation with your partner about premature ejaculation. Tell him or her your concerns and open up this communication, talk about sex. If your partner is a woman, she might open up about her difficulty reaching orgasm and more. There really does not need to be much mention of emotions, just talking about what works and what doesn’t can bring harmony into your sex life.

 

Namaste.

 

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