Issues with the Phrase “Make Love”

I read an article today from a men’s magazine. As I was rolling through my Flipboard feed the article came up. It was a Q and A article and the questions were from readers concerning various topics of sex. The first question was from a man who wanted to watch his wife have sex with another man. There were many issues I had with this article, but polyamory was not one of them. The author responded with, “if you really want to watch her make love to another man, then” and this is where something doesn’t sit well with me. The problem is watch her make love to another man. Here’s why:

Make love is euphemism for having sex with a partner. Words have meaning. I know this is redundant, words have meaning (we know!), but words have meaning beyond their literary and linguistic values. Words and even just letters have meaning. The weight of words and letters or syllables are often used in meditations and chants; for example, Om. On top of all of this, words acquire additional meanings, grammatically called connotations, which are the extra meanings we personally and as a whole society attach to words. This is why we should think before we speak and why word choice matters. Words have a conscious and subconscious reach to which we react both instinctively and deliberately. And so, using the word love commonly or when referring to acts that do not actually involve love, strips away its meaning and worth.

The issue is that in the example of the aforementioned article the word love is being used in a situation that is devoid of love. The example is this: A man wants to watch his wife have sex with another man. He explains that he is not gay or bisexual, but really gets excited/aroused when thinking of his wife having sex with another man. That is the mainframe of the situation and this does not include those other situations where a relationship may be established with another man giving shape to a polyamorous relationship. In this case, it is purely sexual and physical. In the case of this man and his wife, the wife would not be making love to another man, rather she’d be having sex with another man. Making this distinction is important in relationships because what if she does end up making love, meaning what if she does end up feeling love for this other person? How would he feel? Would she leave him? Would she be confused?

Sex is sex. Love is love. And then there is affection. These three things can sometimes come on strong and cause confusion in relationships, whether friendships or polyamorous. We can feel so much affection for someone that it begins to look like love, and in a way it is, but something about it feels different. To confuse things even more, there are different types of love (familial, romantic, etc.) So when the word love is used to describe a sentiment that doesn’t quite rise to the weight of the actual thing that is love, the word and idea become hazy and bland. You begin to hit a plateau in your mind concerning love and what it feels like, and it loses its importance which is why so many couples complain about the lack of spark in their relationship. So, it is not that there isn’t love but that your mind has become numbed to it because of overuse and oversaturation of a lofty concept that does not match your reality.

Making this distinction between love and sex is important for your internal wellbeing as well as for the wellbeing of your partner. This distinction is important to make not only in situations of threesomes but also within yourself when you are single and when with your partner. When with your partner you may not always want to make love, sometimes may just want to f***. And that is okay (highly recommended) and it does not mean that there won’t be love, just that the love energies are not going to be raised and it will be a more carnal session. Going into a sex session with certain expectations or expecting that every single time be an emotionally overwhelming and blissful event can breed disappointment when it doesn’t actually happen, making it seem like the relationship is losing its love when in fact it is just a different shade of love. There are different ways of experiencing bliss. There is the meditative bliss, the sexual/carnal bliss, and the romantic/love bliss. See, this is the problem with trying to categorize love and sexuality; there is overlap between the different aspects and experiences. Furthermore, the three blisses can be combined during sex, but it takes meditation and a deep connection to your lover.

In order to avoid confusion in your relationships and within yourself, reserve what matters to you and maintain it clear within you. What this means is that reserve the word love for those things or persons whom you truly feel something special for. Reserve those phrases of affection for those you truly feel affection for. In today’s society, and perhaps this has always and will always be the case, we are taught to mask our true feelings in order to be professional or friendly even when on the inside the contrary is happening. That new psychological trick of smiling even though you don’t feel like it to make yourself feel better will only dampen your experience, so that when you really do smile it will feel no different than your fake smile causing an emptiness to grow within. Be true to yourself and be aware of what you feel. Be aware of the mask you wear, when you wear it, and of the essence beneath it.

 

Namaste.

 

Photo Credit: Melissa Portan

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Wholeness, Love in Twin Souls and Soul Mates, and Awakening

Photo by Melissa Portan

Wholeness. What is it and what does it feel like? You look at a fruit, say a mango, and it is raw, encased by its yellow-redish skin, protected. The contents of the mango, the good stuff, is all inside, safe, untouched, whole. The mango is in its natural state. The mango has reached maturity, an age where it is ready, and the mango is whole. Be a mango! (I’m kidding.)

Wholeness, for us humans and unlike fruits, comes from the soul. I think a large portion of our lives is spent not knowing who we are or what we want, or even being aware of those things but not fulfilling them. Wholeness is when who you are and who you want to be are the same.

At our original and natural state, meaning at the point of our metaphysical existence, we are complete. At the original birth of the soul, we are whole or complete. For every person, the moment his or her soul came into existence somewhere in the vastness of the universe, varies. For some people it may be hundreds of years ago, others thousands, and for some even less. And so, when talking about wholeness or thinking about it, you have to be aware that there are different levels of wholeness, different levels of completion.

At the highest level of completion in the spectrum of love sits the love that many search for, the love that can lead to ascension (remember that there are other ways to ascend). The idea of twin souls and soul mates suggests that each person is missing half or a part of himself or herself. In a way, if at that distant origin point of existence where our male and female sides are unified is then separated, giving form to the twins, then the idea of incompletion and striving for wholeness makes sense. What is confusing and difficult to both understand and explain is that though both parts of the whole have been separated, in other words, both elements have been separated, each part is indeed complete. The feminine part is whole, it exists as an independent and complete thing. And the masculine part is also whole, existing independently and as a complete thing. So, when this separation happens, two new consciousness are not created, but separated. But, always, the impressions of the other part, of the other soul and consciousness remains, and it creates deep longing. And so, what many end up doing is searching for that other part, for the better half, for that other person that will complete them. But the twin soul is not the solution for wholeness. Just because you find your twin soul does not mean that you have or will achieve wholeness. Because the twin soul relationship happens in stages, there are many rounds of separation, until they each realize that they have been whole the entire time and until it is time to be together.

Everyone makes the same mistake. Everyone, regardless of if they are searching for their twin or soul mate, makes the same mistake. At some point, everyone thinks that finding the perfect partner will make them feel whole. Thinking like this will either lead to a life of serial relationships or to a life of constantly feeling incomplete. Twin souls especially make this mistake and everyone that knows about twin souls comes into it believing that the other twin will complete them, that once they have found their twin they will have made it and that is that. This is a painful mistake many make that amplifies the difficulties of the of the twin soul relationship. Because the twin soul relationship is like a rock climbing marathon, filled with rock slides, occasional plateaus, fatigue, and pain.

In searching for love, there is almost a desperation to feel comfort. What comfort? Sometimes we don’t really know, but it is a comfort that we somehow know exists. Not everyone is searching for their twin and maybe not everyone will reunite with their twin. And sometimes the search for love becomes a purely physical search, leading to a deeper feeling of longing or emptiness. Feeling alone in this world is scary. Love makes that feeling go away.

In soul mate relationships wholeness can be reached. Many already strive for wholeness but instead call it independence. Nowadays you hear many men say they want a woman who is independent and can take care of herself. More and more people are looking for a partner that will be able to hold his or her own. In every relationship, whether twin soul or soul mate, wholeness is about having that independence. Having an independent identity and existence allows for the mind and soul to expand. And this can lead to harmony. So wholeness is not only a concept, but a way of life. Each person living his or her life. Each person being who they want to be.

“Early Morning Fishing” by Ian Prince

But what does wholeness feel like? And can you lose it? Wholeness doesn’t necessarily mean bliss. When you become whole it is because you become fully aware of who you are. You can see things clearly, you can look at yourself clearly, and you are comfortable with what you don’t know. We don’t live in bubbles of perfection. Life is dirty and hard. We are complicated beings, most of the time unnecessarily so. And so reaching a state of awareness and wholeness does not guarantee bliss. Before wholeness comes awareness. Right? First you become aware of who you are. Then you feel and think about who you really are. And after that, after thinking or meditating, you can begin to act. Once you put yourself in motion and move towards bringing your true self into reality, you can achieve wholeness. It happens little by little. Sometimes it is hard, painful, and sometimes you take five steps backwards. But once you reach a place where you feel complete, and this feeling is independent of financial stability and relationships, you can feel peace, even blissful. At the state of wholeness you can see the beauty in the world even when it is all falling apart. This is all great and it can all be lost. Like I said, life is not easy and certain situations demand sacrifices. Feeling whole and in a state of inner stability can be shaken by many things in life, childbirth, death, financial difficulties, relationship difficulties, and so on.

The hard part of wholeness and awareness is that it can sometimes feel like an illusion. For example, you’re in a relationship and everything is good. You feel whole, happy, and in love. But then, the relationship ends and you each separate. Suddenly, that wholeness is gone. Suddenly, you feel like you are missing something from deep inside. It is naturally and not a sign of weakness. We love and we become attached to each other. Remember that there are different levels of wholeness. The wholeness experienced in said example was real, is real, and it can be recaptured. Now the challenge lies in figuring out how to do it on your own.

Love, relationships, they are all difficult. Wholeness is inner harmony. Harmony and peace are two slightly different things. There is harmony within, meaning that you are aware of the bad/negative within you and you are working positively to counter it. Harmony requires opposing factors working together and wholeness is the result of inner harmony. Wholeness is embracing everything that is within, working on it, and letting go. It is a cycle.

And as you go through your own stages of wholeness, you become a little more spiritually awake. Awakening is another term that many misunderstand as being a single event. It happens in stages. Awakening happens alongside your moments of struggles, pain, happiness, deep thought, meditation, anger, frustration, and sadness. Because the more awake you are the more you know, the more you are aware. Being awake in spiritual terms means having knowledge of the world that exists beyond this physical world. And there is so much to learn, to experience, and see, that awakening is preferably continual.

Love spurs us to awaken, to become whole, to carry on despite the pain, burdens, and challenges. If you want to reach your state of wholeness, if you want to start your awakening, if you want to find that special person, start from within.

Namaste.

Love, Hope, Patience, and the Focus of a Heart

“Ash Tree” by Hana Jang

Often, when searching for love, love is all the heart focuses on. Love is all the heart desires, wishes for, demands, hurts for, and beats for. Something bizarre happens when in love; everything else becomes irrelevant, less important, and the focus of the heart turns to that special person. Regardless of what type of relationship it is and what type of love it is, there comes a point where it becomes everything.

Love is not easy, it is intangible, it takes work, and demands hope and patience. A heart that is in love is always hopeful. When you are in love, you are constantly wishing and hoping that the other person is in love with you too. You constantly hope to see him or her. You hope that he or she will say something to you. This hope, however, can be traitorous.  It can happen, and it often happens, that one falls in love with the other, but that love is not returned. So, what happens is, one person is always pinning after the other, always holding onto the hope that he or she will someday return the love, always thinking about the other. In this case, hope is not a good thing. Constantly hoping that he or she will love you is only painful, time-consuming, and harmful to yourself. But when the love is mutual and it is clear that both love each other, then hope is not harmful. And you become hopeful about every other aspect in life, suddenly things are getting better, or seem like they will get better.

When in love, all patience is lost. Nothing happens soon enough. Nothing happens quickly enough. You don’t see each other often enough, even if you meet everyday. He or she doesn’t pick up the phone fast enough when you call. And when the love turns dark, when love turns to hate, suddenly it seems like it doesn’t end soon enough.

And so, where is the heart? Think of the heart as a compass for the rest of your existence. What your heart focuses on affects the focus of your mind. And when your mind turns away from your work, or passions, or goals, then you begin to steer yourself away from achieving them. That is the point where love becomes all-consuming, as is the common phrase, because then, even friends are left behind and hobbies are dropped to spend more time with the other person. This is important for all relationships, especially for those with spiritual ties like the twin souls and soul mates. When you begin to move away from what you enjoy doing, what you love to do, you begin to lose yourself.

The phrase losing yourself in love can have two meanings: You can be blissfully happy in a relationship or when in love, you can lose your identity. In a way, it is inevitable that you lose yourself when in love with another, especially for twin souls. The danger and harm occurs when you do not recoup yourself, when you do not return to yourself. That is when the relationship falls apart or when it becomes more difficult, regardless of what kind of relationship it is. When you have given so much of yourself to the other person that you no longer do what you used to enjoy, that is when your relationship begins to turn to a responsibility; meaning, something you have to do.

The twin souls go through a phase of losing themselves to each other. It is a mandatory part of their souls’ evolution. I cannot say with certainty, but perhaps many do not complete the phase and so they are not reunited with each other, either by ascension (death) or physical union. When it comes to soul-mates, which are the majority of relationships (yet there are relationships that are not soul-mate relationships), loss of the self is seen as a mandatory sacrifice. Compromises are made and one sacrifices himself or herself more than the other, leading to an unbalanced and unhappy relationship. So, even though they may have met the one, the relationship ends. Of course, there is the extreme opposite of overabundant self-sacrifice, and that is selfishness. In a relationship where one person makes more demands of the other and is consistently asking for more, love fades and what is left is a heavy responsibility. The key is to find balance in the relationship. The way to avoid losing the relationship, to avoid losing that love, is to always keep love of yourself for yourself.

The heart is a vessel. Carry within it the love for your partner, the hopes, dreams and goals that you have for yourself. Carry within you everything that makes you you and love will be abundant.

 

 

Namaste.

 

 

 

Photo Credit: Melissa Portan