Tag Archives: relationship difficulties

Issues with the Phrase “Make Love”


I read an article today from a men’s magazine. As I was rolling through my Flipboard feed the article came up. It was a Q and A article and the questions were from readers concerning various topics of sex. The first question was from a man who wanted to watch his wife have sex with another man. There were many issues I had with this article, but polyamory was not one of them. The author responded with, “if you really want to watch her make love to another man, then” and this is where something doesn’t sit well with me. The problem is watch her make love to another man. Here’s why:

Make love is euphemism for having sex with a partner. Words have meaning. I know this is redundant, words have meaning (we know!), but words have meaning beyond their literary and linguistic values. Words and even just letters have meaning. The weight of words and letters or syllables are often used in meditations and chants; for example, Om. On top of all of this, words acquire additional meanings, grammatically called connotations, which are the extra meanings we personally and as a whole society attach to words. This is why we should think before we speak and why word choice matters. Words have a conscious and subconscious reach to which we react both instinctively and deliberately. And so, using the word love commonly or when referring to acts that do not actually involve love, strips away its meaning and worth.

The issue is that in the example of the aforementioned article the word love is being used in a situation that is devoid of love. The example is this: A man wants to watch his wife have sex with another man. He explains that he is not gay or bisexual, but really gets excited/aroused when thinking of his wife having sex with another man. That is the mainframe of the situation and this does not include those other situations where a relationship may be established with another man giving shape to a polyamorous relationship. In this case, it is purely sexual and physical. In the case of this man and his wife, the wife would not be making love to another man, rather she’d be having sex with another man. Making this distinction is important in relationships because what if she does end up making love, meaning what if she does end up feeling love for this other person? How would he feel? Would she leave him? Would she be confused?

Sex is sex. Love is love. And then there is affection. These three things can sometimes come on strong and cause confusion in relationships, whether friendships or polyamorous. We can feel so much affection for someone that it begins to look like love, and in a way it is, but something about it feels different. To confuse things even more, there are different types of love (familial, romantic, etc.) So when the word love is used to describe a sentiment that doesn’t quite rise to the weight of the actual thing that is love, the word and idea become hazy and bland. You begin to hit a plateau in your mind concerning love and what it feels like, and it loses its importance which is why so many couples complain about the lack of spark in their relationship. So, it is not that there isn’t love but that your mind has become numbed to it because of overuse and oversaturation of a lofty concept that does not match your reality.

Making this distinction between love and sex is important for your internal wellbeing as well as for the wellbeing of your partner. This distinction is important to make not only in situations of threesomes but also within yourself when you are single and when with your partner. When with your partner you may not always want to make love, sometimes may just want to f***. And that is okay (highly recommended) and it does not mean that there won’t be love, just that the love energies are not going to be raised and it will be a more carnal session. Going into a sex session with certain expectations or expecting that every single time be an emotionally overwhelming and blissful event can breed disappointment when it doesn’t actually happen, making it seem like the relationship is losing its love when in fact it is just a different shade of love. There are different ways of experiencing bliss. There is the meditative bliss, the sexual/carnal bliss, and the romantic/love bliss. See, this is the problem with trying to categorize love and sexuality; there is overlap between the different aspects and experiences. Furthermore, the three blisses can be combined during sex, but it takes meditation and a deep connection to your lover.

In order to avoid confusion in your relationships and within yourself, reserve what matters to you and maintain it clear within you. What this means is that reserve the word love for those things or persons whom you truly feel something special for. Reserve those phrases of affection for those you truly feel affection for. In today’s society, and perhaps this has always and will always be the case, we are taught to mask our true feelings in order to be professional or friendly even when on the inside the contrary is happening. That new psychological trick of smiling even though you don’t feel like it to make yourself feel better will only dampen your experience, so that when you really do smile it will feel no different than your fake smile causing an emptiness to grow within. Be true to yourself and be aware of what you feel. Be aware of the mask you wear, when you wear it, and of the essence beneath it.





Photo Credit: Melissa Portan


Love, Hope, Patience, and the Focus of a Heart


“Ash Tree” by Hana Jang

Often, when searching for love, love is all the heart focuses on. Love is all the heart desires, wishes for, demands, hurts for, and beats for. Something bizarre happens when in love; everything else becomes irrelevant, less important, and the focus of the heart turns to that special person. Regardless of what type of relationship it is and what type of love it is, there comes a point where it becomes everything.

Love is not easy, it is intangible, it takes work, and demands hope and patience. A heart that is in love is always hopeful. When you are in love, you are constantly wishing and hoping that the other person is in love with you too. You constantly hope to see him or her. You hope that he or she will say something to you. This hope, however, can be traitorous.  It can happen, and it often happens, that one falls in love with the other, but that love is not returned. So, what happens is, one person is always pinning after the other, always holding onto the hope that he or she will someday return the love, always thinking about the other. In this case, hope is not a good thing. Constantly hoping that he or she will love you is only painful, time-consuming, and harmful to yourself. But when the love is mutual and it is clear that both love each other, then hope is not harmful. And you become hopeful about every other aspect in life, suddenly things are getting better, or seem like they will get better.

When in love, all patience is lost. Nothing happens soon enough. Nothing happens quickly enough. You don’t see each other often enough, even if you meet everyday. He or she doesn’t pick up the phone fast enough when you call. And when the love turns dark, when love turns to hate, suddenly it seems like it doesn’t end soon enough.

And so, where is the heart? Think of the heart as a compass for the rest of your existence. What your heart focuses on affects the focus of your mind. And when your mind turns away from your work, or passions, or goals, then you begin to steer yourself away from achieving them. That is the point where love becomes all-consuming, as is the common phrase, because then, even friends are left behind and hobbies are dropped to spend more time with the other person. This is important for all relationships, especially for those with spiritual ties like the twin souls and soul mates. When you begin to move away from what you enjoy doing, what you love to do, you begin to lose yourself.

The phrase losing yourself in love can have two meanings: You can be blissfully happy in a relationship or when in love, you can lose your identity. In a way, it is inevitable that you lose yourself when in love with another, especially for twin souls. The danger and harm occurs when you do not recoup yourself, when you do not return to yourself. That is when the relationship falls apart or when it becomes more difficult, regardless of what kind of relationship it is. When you have given so much of yourself to the other person that you no longer do what you used to enjoy, that is when your relationship begins to turn to a responsibility; meaning, something you have to do.

The twin souls go through a phase of losing themselves to each other. It is a mandatory part of their souls’ evolution. I cannot say with certainty, but perhaps many do not complete the phase and so they are not reunited with each other, either by ascension (death) or physical union. When it comes to soul-mates, which are the majority of relationships (yet there are relationships that are not soul-mate relationships), loss of the self is seen as a mandatory sacrifice. Compromises are made and one sacrifices himself or herself more than the other, leading to an unbalanced and unhappy relationship. So, even though they may have met the one, the relationship ends. Of course, there is the extreme opposite of overabundant self-sacrifice, and that is selfishness. In a relationship where one person makes more demands of the other and is consistently asking for more, love fades and what is left is a heavy responsibility. The key is to find balance in the relationship. The way to avoid losing the relationship, to avoid losing that love, is to always keep love of yourself for yourself.

The heart is a vessel. Carry within it the love for your partner, the hopes, dreams and goals that you have for yourself. Carry within you everything that makes you you and love will be abundant.







Photo Credit: Melissa Portan

Photo Credit: Melissa Portan