Tag Archives: sex

Issues with the Phrase “Make Love”


I read an article today from a men’s magazine. As I was rolling through my Flipboard feed the article came up. It was a Q and A article and the questions were from readers concerning various topics of sex. The first question was from a man who wanted to watch his wife have sex with another man. There were many issues I had with this article, but polyamory was not one of them. The author responded with, “if you really want to watch her make love to another man, then” and this is where something doesn’t sit well with me. The problem is watch her make love to another man. Here’s why:

Make love is euphemism for having sex with a partner. Words have meaning. I know this is redundant, words have meaning (we know!), but words have meaning beyond their literary and linguistic values. Words and even just letters have meaning. The weight of words and letters or syllables are often used in meditations and chants; for example, Om. On top of all of this, words acquire additional meanings, grammatically called connotations, which are the extra meanings we personally and as a whole society attach to words. This is why we should think before we speak and why word choice matters. Words have a conscious and subconscious reach to which we react both instinctively and deliberately. And so, using the word love commonly or when referring to acts that do not actually involve love, strips away its meaning and worth.

The issue is that in the example of the aforementioned article the word love is being used in a situation that is devoid of love. The example is this: A man wants to watch his wife have sex with another man. He explains that he is not gay or bisexual, but really gets excited/aroused when thinking of his wife having sex with another man. That is the mainframe of the situation and this does not include those other situations where a relationship may be established with another man giving shape to a polyamorous relationship. In this case, it is purely sexual and physical. In the case of this man and his wife, the wife would not be making love to another man, rather she’d be having sex with another man. Making this distinction is important in relationships because what if she does end up making love, meaning what if she does end up feeling love for this other person? How would he feel? Would she leave him? Would she be confused?

Sex is sex. Love is love. And then there is affection. These three things can sometimes come on strong and cause confusion in relationships, whether friendships or polyamorous. We can feel so much affection for someone that it begins to look like love, and in a way it is, but something about it feels different. To confuse things even more, there are different types of love (familial, romantic, etc.) So when the word love is used to describe a sentiment that doesn’t quite rise to the weight of the actual thing that is love, the word and idea become hazy and bland. You begin to hit a plateau in your mind concerning love and what it feels like, and it loses its importance which is why so many couples complain about the lack of spark in their relationship. So, it is not that there isn’t love but that your mind has become numbed to it because of overuse and oversaturation of a lofty concept that does not match your reality.

Making this distinction between love and sex is important for your internal wellbeing as well as for the wellbeing of your partner. This distinction is important to make not only in situations of threesomes but also within yourself when you are single and when with your partner. When with your partner you may not always want to make love, sometimes may just want to f***. And that is okay (highly recommended) and it does not mean that there won’t be love, just that the love energies are not going to be raised and it will be a more carnal session. Going into a sex session with certain expectations or expecting that every single time be an emotionally overwhelming and blissful event can breed disappointment when it doesn’t actually happen, making it seem like the relationship is losing its love when in fact it is just a different shade of love. There are different ways of experiencing bliss. There is the meditative bliss, the sexual/carnal bliss, and the romantic/love bliss. See, this is the problem with trying to categorize love and sexuality; there is overlap between the different aspects and experiences. Furthermore, the three blisses can be combined during sex, but it takes meditation and a deep connection to your lover.

In order to avoid confusion in your relationships and within yourself, reserve what matters to you and maintain it clear within you. What this means is that reserve the word love for those things or persons whom you truly feel something special for. Reserve those phrases of affection for those you truly feel affection for. In today’s society, and perhaps this has always and will always be the case, we are taught to mask our true feelings in order to be professional or friendly even when on the inside the contrary is happening. That new psychological trick of smiling even though you don’t feel like it to make yourself feel better will only dampen your experience, so that when you really do smile it will feel no different than your fake smile causing an emptiness to grow within. Be true to yourself and be aware of what you feel. Be aware of the mask you wear, when you wear it, and of the essence beneath it.





Photo Credit: Melissa Portan


Sex Toys: Fear



Sex toys for women are abundant. There are shops where women and couples can go and buy sex toys. Online, there are many websites that have vast collections of sex toys for different genders, sexual orientation, and so on. But there is a vague fear of sex toys, both in men and women. If you do a quick internet search on whether vibrators are healthy or not, the top results are religious and condemn the use of vibrators, while others, for other reasons, also do not encourage vibrator use. (And most results are talking only about women, not men.) However, what do the doctors say? Many doctors encourage the use of vibrators for various reasons; such as, inability to orgasm, hormonal changes (menopause), boring sex life, etcetera. The types of doctors that recommend vibrators or any other type of sex toy vary; some are gynecologists, general physicians, and others can be psychologists. Dr. Oz, an American doctor with a television show, has a blog where he and other doctors write articles on various subjects. Here is a brief article discussing vibrators and why they might be recommended by a doctor.

Again, very rare mention of men and how they can benefit from using a vibrator or any other sex toy. For now, let’s focus on women and why many are discouraged from using a sex toy.

As with everything, moderation is the best way to lead a healthy life. But truth be told, if something feels good we are bound to do it again and again and again. This is one reason why sex toy usage can be discouraged or harshly judged. The fear is that it could cause a rift in the relationship because she might get dependent on the vibrator. There is a fear that if a woman uses sex toys she will shun all men, that no man will ever really satisfy her, and that she has no need for a man. These are fears and lies. Whether it is a woman or a man using sex toys, whether gay or heterosexual, human contact is irreplaceable and so there will forever be a need and want for another.

The second fear is physical dependence, meaning that the person can no longer achieve orgasm without the sex toy. This does happen sometimes, but it is like when a woman can’t reach orgasm unless her nipples are being stimulated. Or let’s say it is similar to a man who cannot orgasm without his socks on. These are mental habits that can be broken or reinforced. The result is physical difficulty reaching orgasm any other way. Another concern that has been raised is the risk of physical harm to the genitalia. Claims have been made that strong vibrators used often on the clitoris damage the nerve endings. Then, there are claims that refute those other claims. So, what do we do? Well, we react with fear first, then we close off the possibility of new sexual and healthy experiences, and then we sit in judgment of others. It is all ineffective and unhealthy. As long as you aren’t doing intensely wild things in bed with your average sex toys, the risk of harming yourself are said to be minimal.

Both men and women often fear the judgment of friends or anyone else when considering using sex toys. One thing they fear is the judgments made about their sexuality. Oh, you’re such a pervert! You must be a lesbian. Using a vibrator makes you gay. Can’t get a man? Can’t get one to sleep with you? And so on. Really, the reasons one has for buying a sex toy is no one else’s business. Whether it is to explore your sexuality or to enhance your sexual experience, any judgments made are a reflection of the person making them. Sex toys have been around for ages, since ancient times. Without this kinkiness the world would be a whole lot emptier. Wanting to experience something different is good. Wanting explore and understand your sexuality is healthy. Whatever someone says or thinks about your sexuality is irrelevant to who you really are.


Sex as Something More than Sex



Sex is how humanity has lasted for thousands and thousands of years. Sex is how one expresses love for another. Sex can also be just another sport. Aside from these three functions of sex, there is one more. Sex can function as a bridge to the spiritual world regardless if you are alone are in a relationship. Meaning that sex can help awaken the consciousness to deeper realities and it can connect souls not only on a physical level but a spiritual level too.

For ages religions have condemned sex and repressed sexuality. Why that is is a very hefty topic, filled with arguments and insults, and contradictions. I don’t consider sex as a sin and nothing in this blog will condemn the different aspects of sexuality. There are, however, sexual perversions and that is not what this blog is about. Sex is like everything else in the world; it has a positive side and a negative side. One could say a side of light and a side of darkness. Finding spirituality, comfort, and knowledge in sex is about finding harmony in it. It is about finding balance between the carnal pleasures that sex provides and the wisdom it can bestow.

You cannot remove the sex from the pleasure you extract from it, nor should you do so. It is when sex becomes only about pleasure that it becomes base and not beneficial. Again, a balance needs to be found in order for life to be fulfilling, for sex to feel good and right. This means that it is okay to have sex simply to enjoy its pleasures. ( Personally, I believe that if sex is to be part of a spiritual practice then it should be practiced only with a partner you love or alone. But everyone does as they see fit and I am no judge. In another post I will explain my idea further.) When you go into sex with only the intention of receiving pleasure your consciousness, in other words your mind, is not open to the possibility of finding new knowledge. It all begins with the mind. Revolutionizing sex in your life starts with your perceptions of it.

So, how can sex be something more? And what more can it be? You keep mentioning knowledge but what knowledge is there to be gained? The kind of knowledge and wisdom one can gain through practicing sex as something more than carnal needs is spiritual or metaphysical. It relates to what is beyond technical knowledge, which eventually becomes out dated, and to the big questions of life. Matters of the soul and life can be understood and unraveled through sex. How? Here is when sex starts to become something more. Through a meditative state that is amplified by the intensity of sex, or by the raised sexual energy, certain thoughts begin to enter the mind. When you think of sex as being something more than sex, when you think of it as being more significant than the moment of orgasm, is when it does become something more; that is when your mind begins to bloom and your senses begin to perceive more. Think of it as being a way to connect, to connect to the universe, to your partner, to higher consciousness, and so on. After changing the way you think of sex, either with your partner or with yourself (masturbation), coincidences happen outside of the bedroom that guide you to whatever answer you seek. And so, in this way, you get more out of sex than just a momentary bliss. This happens because the mind affects our reality, our world, and our energies become stronger and attract whatever is needed to achieve the set goal or to answer the posed question. This is also where the boundary between regular sex and sacred sex begins to vanish. Sacred sex is about feeling the motions of the universe within you as you move. It is about feeling the connection between yourself and the world, yourself and your partner, and yourself and divinity.

Love is a powerful force. When love is shared between a couple it creates beauty in the person’s life. Light and positivity surround the couple. It is this goodness that love brings that can be intensified during sex. Sex can connect souls, but only if that is the intention and if the awareness is there. In this way, sex can be more than a physical unifier. This is how a more profound bond can be built with your partner. Here you gain knowledge of each other, you get to know each other more, and you learn more about love.